Cricket

He was widely considered the greatest warrior prince since Gustavus Adophus. Gesundheit. He’s descended fron Genghis Khan, like most eurasians. And so’s your old lady.

Elders

Our father that art in heaven, and our mother that art in the earth, help me speak plainly now, and remain true to the lofty aim of our people. Which is, that the devil screw the hindmost, in the strict sense of the subject. Not to give airs, but also not to pretend that when Jack and Jill went up that hill, there was no more to it than a pail of water, we beseech thee (father and mother), as the direct descendants of Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliette, and the old woman who lived in a shoe — guide us on our course.

Help us avoid mention of the smut-covered president, or of the common man, infested with bugs. The woman on the street? Keep her out of your dirty cold war. With your one good eye and half-bushel of fingers, raise the glass and pass the ammunition. We will now speak of the thermodynamics of the colored people.

Once upon a time, all the peoples was colored. That’s the way it was the old county. Then the Africans started to spread out, and in some cases, lighten up. And the people that wasn’t colored, tended to live in Iceland. After they’d been to the moon, they all got stuck in the sand.

They placed their trust in a great warrior, who had been through the bankruptcy courts, and had incited insurrections with a million dead; and she or see would clear the deck and all the frills upon it.

Diet of Worms

This new Christian diet is all the rage, the Diet of Worms. The infidels tend to choke on it, as was its design. The doctors of divinity prescribe a bracing tonic of extreme devotion to those in remission. Many long-standing disputes have finally been settled, to the best of our knowledge.

Tone deaf

I was tone deaf all my life, up until one day, it was in the fall, I fell out of my crow’s nest and awoke with perfect pitch. There are no other cases in the annals of the supreme being or in their executive summaries.

In the beginning I could make nor head nor tail of it, but when the nor’westers came to blow, and the trees began to sing, I heard that Forty Mile Creek was in the same key as the Magic Flute. Down at the switching yard, the locomotives were idyling in C, but not a well-tempered C. Though the vibrations are arbitrary, the harmonics are pythagorean. On that note, abstain from beans.

Inquisition

Raise the glass to the glory  days of the inquisition, when god gave us men a ticket to torture. Sanctity ruled the land, if you get my drift.

In those days we weasels of rightousness could get our jollies by ferreting out the sins of the bwitches. The devil lurked in every crack, but the hammer was underwritten by the pope. As the accounts of agonies attest, the hammer came down hard.

So with your one good eye and half bushel of brains, raise the glass and praise the inquisition.

I’m talking to the President

Mister President, we have four more prisoners of war.
Bring ‘em on.
Crick is a prisoner of the war on drugs.
Hang by the neck.
Warsh is a prisoner of the war on poverty.
Life sentence, three generations.
Shem is a prisoner of the war on terror.
Molotov cocktail.
Shimmy is a prisoner of the cold war.
Burn at the stake.
Thank you Mister President, and God bless.

borborygmus

a rumbling or gurgling sound caused by the movement of gas in the intestines.

“The stertorous borborygmus of the dyspeptic Carlyle!” declaimed Willie Weaver, and beamed through his spectacles. 
–Aldous Huxley, Point Counter Point, 1928